Friday, January 24, 2014

The Hesitation

Today a friend of mine invited me to join her sister's newly formed book club.  I have never been in a book club and have often thought it might be a great experience since I love to read, AND one of my goals for 2014 is to try to read a book a month, so perfect!  Tell me more!  L said that her sister and friends who are forming the club are all moms of preschoolers and she would love me to join them since I live in the area close to her sister, and I could be her buddy, as L is neither married, nor has children of her own. 

As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not?  I began weighing the pros and cons.  You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time.  But I can make the time for being more social.  I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.

No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not?  Do I want to hear about parenting issues?  Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing?  Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?

And then I wondered... how would they react to me?  Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc. 

I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed.  But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts?  That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in?  I wonder if this is a new reality for me?  The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is.  Where do I fit in?  How long will I perceive this difference?  Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?

But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join.  I was thinking of a few other reasons.

 1)  I need friends.  Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away.  My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago.   At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture.  Friendships take time. 

2)  If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them.  My parents live hundreds of miles away.  My sister lives an hour north.  And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.

3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children. 

4)  It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.

5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head.  I don't burden her with my infertility madness.  She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.  

6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!

So there you go.  I will keep you updated on this development.

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