Monday, December 30, 2013


The test was negative.  Life really sucks at times.

The Wait

I went in for my beta this morning.  Now I am home waiting for the call. 

DH was sweet this morning as he left for work.  Course his tenderness started me crying all over again.  He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other."  Very sweet.  I love him so much.

Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law.  I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children.  Sure enough it did.  I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there.  I was barely holding it together.

My SIL called me last night to apologize.  She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me.  It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call.  I appreciated it.  Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too. 

Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Dance of the Doubts

Christmas was wonderful with my family.  DH and I traveled to be with them and enjoyed the company of each-other all together.  We are spread out all over the country so it is always a treat to be together.  I managed to hide our daily injections of PIO and no one made a big deal about my decline of wine at dinner.  No one seemed to notice that I was actually drinking decaf tea in the morning instead of the usual coffee.   The festivities were a nice distraction in the midst of the two-week wait.

Until we got home yesterday.  At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate.  Our beta is on Monday.  Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer.  Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies.  My turn.

Except it wasn't a celebration.  DH said there was no line.  Is there supposed to be another line, he asked?  What?

I was dumbfounded.  Shocked.  How could there be no line?  We used a donor egg!  It is supposed to work this time!

Oh yeah, I know this feeling.  I recognize this fear.  I feel so stupid for believing in hope again.  This lump in my throat has been here before.  Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head.   I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening.  We'll wait and see what the beta says.  Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for.  Does anything work for me?

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Weeding out the Grief

Last Wednesday when I heard from my nurse that our donor's egg retrieval had gone well and that 9 of her eggs had been inseminated by DH's sperm, I felt relief.   And then I just felt so sad.  We had passed the first major hurdle which was having a good set of eggs to start with, but the emotion that sat with me that afternoon was the anguish of it not being my eggs that DH's sperm inseminated.  It was hers.  And even though I have made peace with using our donor and am really excited about the possibility that I can still carry our own baby, I felt a tinge of jealousy.  I felt like that day, that one day, I wasn't part of the picture.  Oh sure, later that  afternoon I was heading to accupuncture to get my uterus and mind ready for an embryo, and that night I would be getting my PIO shot, I still felt isolated from the story at that moment.  Separate from the process.  Sad that I wasn't having my eggs retrieved (even though the procedure and recovery is not exactly a trip to the amusement park).  Sad that the union of egg and sperm wasn't being mirrored in the union that our wedding photos reflected back to me. 

I cried all the way to accupuncture.  I told her and she asked, "do you want to talk about it or just get up on the table?"  I lay on the table and she gently suggested that my goal today should be acknowledging the sadness but also helping the grief to move.  She said she was completely comfortable with me crying and that this was a safe place to let it go.  So I did. 

It's funny how grief ebbs and flows.  I believe that owning my grief that afternoon was important in healing and preparing for the presence and welcoming of this child. I had to help it move along and create space for new growth.  Kind of reminds me of weeding my flower beds. Maybe if I keep at it the weeds won't show up as often and then I can focus on and appreciate the beautiful garden instead.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Embryo Transfer

Today we went in for our embryo transfer.  Our hopes are high that this time it will work but I must say that I was much less emotional this time.  The procedure was uncomfortable and my doctor got me ready before the embryologist was ready so we were all just hanging out (especially my ladybits) with a catheter in me, and an ultrasound wand pushing on my full-bladdered abdomen while the doctor opened the door to his right and yelled into the lab that we were ready.  I just gripped DH's hand and stared at the ceiling.  Hello.

We put in one 5 day blast, the other six we're waiting on news of their development and then freeze.  Should know in a few days if we have any cryopreserved.  We started with 12 eggs and they inseminated 9.  7 fertilized and that is what has been growing over the weekend.  The superstar blast that we put in today looked the best.  Dr. didn't give me a grade but said it looked very good.

DH had a new job to get to after he took me home.  So I'm on bed-rest all day while he is at work.  I can't believe his first day ended up being today.  Otherwise he would have taken off and waited on me.  So I packed a lunch just like I was at work and kept it next to the bed.  I've been snacking all day.  Hopefully he gets home soon as I'm getting really hungry and am trying to avoid going downstairs to the kitchen. 

The 2ww is on.  Beta is Dec. 30.  At least the holidays and traveling will keep me busy.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

No Turning Back

Tomorrow is the day when I feel like there is no going back.  The gravity of our decision weighs on me now.  Even though we have jumped through numerous hoops to reach this point, and all along we could have stopped and said no, and we haven't... and even though I know that this is the right decision for us, everything changes starting tomorrow.  My husband's sperm will mix with another woman's egg.  Once that happens, it is on.  No going back.  Period.  It's normal to feel just a tad bit emotional about this, right?  But is anything normal in this Bizzaro-world of infertility?

This moment reminds me of a card I received once from a good friend upon graduation from high school.  I still remember it well.  It had a picture of a traveler walking down a road (maybe he was more of a hobo because he had one of those rod polka-dot handkerchiefs on a stick carried on his shoulder like you see in the Tom & Jerry cartoons)  Anyway, the Wanderer had reached a fork in the road and there was just one sign.  The sign said, "No Going Back!"

It appears my friends, that Robert Frosts' The Road Less Traveled By is my life once more.

"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

One can hope.

Monday, December 9, 2013

It is Happening...

I am beginning this blog a few months behind the actual start of my donor egg journey, but nevertheless, I can always go back and fill you in on how I got to this point.  The real excitement has begun as my donor is getting close to her egg retrieval.  My nurse says it will be Wednesday and if all goes well a five day transfer for us will be next Monday, the 16th.  I am overjoyed that she has about 25 follicles since we are in a shared donor program with another recipient.  I am nervous because nothing has ever worked before, so why now?  We know we also have male factor infertility issues so when it all comes down to it, a new shiny egg from a donor may not be enough.  We may learn that even with ICSI my DH's sperm could be even more of an issue than we thought.  However, despite these concerns, I am hopeful.  It is the season of giving and I am so very grateful that this anonymous young woman is sharing this part of herself with complete strangers to help us conceive a child. Bless you my dear!