Last Wednesday when I heard from my nurse that our donor's egg retrieval had gone well and that 9 of her eggs had been inseminated by DH's sperm, I felt relief. And then I just felt so sad. We had passed the first major hurdle which was having a good set of eggs to start with, but the emotion that sat with me that afternoon was the anguish of it not being my eggs that DH's sperm inseminated. It was hers. And even though I have made peace with using our donor and am really excited about the possibility that I can still carry our own baby, I felt a tinge of jealousy. I felt like that day, that one day, I wasn't part of the picture. Oh sure, later that afternoon I was heading to accupuncture to get my uterus and mind ready for an embryo, and that night I would be getting my PIO shot, I still felt isolated from the story at that moment. Separate from the process. Sad that I wasn't having my eggs retrieved (even though the procedure and recovery is not exactly a trip to the amusement park). Sad that the union of egg and sperm wasn't being mirrored in the union that our wedding photos reflected back to me.
I cried all the way to accupuncture. I told her and she asked, "do you want to talk about it or just get up on the table?" I lay on the table and she gently suggested that my goal today should be acknowledging the sadness but also helping the grief to move. She said she was completely comfortable with me crying and that this was a safe place to let it go. So I did.
It's funny how grief ebbs and flows. I believe that owning my grief that afternoon was important in healing and preparing for the presence and welcoming of this child. I had to help it move along and create space for new growth. Kind of reminds me of weeding my flower beds. Maybe if I keep at it the weeds won't show up as often and then I can focus on and appreciate the beautiful garden instead.
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