Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Dance of the Doubts

Christmas was wonderful with my family.  DH and I traveled to be with them and enjoyed the company of each-other all together.  We are spread out all over the country so it is always a treat to be together.  I managed to hide our daily injections of PIO and no one made a big deal about my decline of wine at dinner.  No one seemed to notice that I was actually drinking decaf tea in the morning instead of the usual coffee.   The festivities were a nice distraction in the midst of the two-week wait.

Until we got home yesterday.  At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate.  Our beta is on Monday.  Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer.  Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies.  My turn.

Except it wasn't a celebration.  DH said there was no line.  Is there supposed to be another line, he asked?  What?

I was dumbfounded.  Shocked.  How could there be no line?  We used a donor egg!  It is supposed to work this time!

Oh yeah, I know this feeling.  I recognize this fear.  I feel so stupid for believing in hope again.  This lump in my throat has been here before.  Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head.   I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening.  We'll wait and see what the beta says.  Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for.  Does anything work for me?

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