Monday, February 24, 2014

FET Update

So originally my FET was supposed to be scheduled for March 6, which, holy cow, would already practically be here.  But because I wanted to talk to my physician and double-check everything, I had to wait until Feb. 12 to have my phone consult with him.   I also was waiting on my period which took longer than I expected, but I guess your body is all screwed up after being on so many meds for so long.  I also had to have a follow-up mammogram, which I had that done last Monday and we are good to go there!

 When I finally talked to my RE he reassured me that our two frozen embryos were really beautiful ones. He said he was sorry that our first egg donor cycle didn't work. I asked what else should we be doing to be sure this next attempt works?  I want to know that we have done everything to make sure that they will stick once they are put in.  We have never had any stick! 

My main concern is that I have a uterine fibroid that has grown from around 7 cm to over 9 cm from last summer until my monitoring in November before our fresh -egg donor cycle.  They have never said that it is a problem and have never recommended to have it removed.  But when I asked about it this time, he agreed with me that we should check into having it removed first.  So, I was happy that he listened to me but now I'm like, crap, how long will this take?  Course now I have to go through my ob-gyn's office.

I immediately called my ob-gyn and left an extensively long message for her with someone who probably has no idea what I'm talking about.  It can be difficult to try to coordinate between the RE and your ob-gyn I've noticed. Office assistants don't know infertility- talk necessarily.   I finally heard back from her a week later (I will say it was the sudden 13" snowstorm that interrupted normal office activities) and they mailed me the 'scrip to go get an ultrasound.  The paper says 'pelvic prn' which just looks dirty to me.  Anyway, because the radiology office takes forever to try and talk to someone for an appointment I emailed the request and am now waiting on them to call with my appointment.  I normally try to schedule appointments after work but if that ends up making me wait weeks and weeks then I will just miss a day of work to get the soonest appointment possible. 

In my head I want to make sure that we are doing everything we can to ensure things are good down there before we 'spend' our frozen embryos.  What if this is the one thing?  What if the previous ones would have worked had we addressed this sooner?  I can't let myself play that game.  The only thing I can address is this moment right now.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Infertility Breaks my Heart

This has been building inside me all week and I can't hold back any longer.  This feeling of what I am missing out on.  The experiences I don't get to have.  It is all so unfair.  I am so jealous...

I am so jealous of my cousin posting online that her daughter will be the big sister to a new little brother.

I am so jealous of families getting to watch the Olympics together and making memories together.

I am so jealous of all of the parents walking their kids down the street past my house towards the snow-hill on yet another snow day this winter.  They will probably go back home and snuggle together under blankets and sip their hot chocolate together.

I am so jealous of the moms who get to kiss and cuddle their children and wish them a happy valentine's day this morning with candy hearts and heart shaped pancakes. 

I am probably romanticizing this whole parenting thing a bit. 

But these tears, these are what I have.  These eggs, old and shriveled, this is what I have.   These delays in my infertility treatments, this is what I have.   This box full of unused medications leftover from so many procedures, this is what I have. 

The love of an amazing husband and family, this is what I have.  I give my love to my DH every day and yet, together we have so much more love to give. 

I have one half of my broken heart.  Who will bring me the other half?  Will I ever get it back?

This grief, this is mine.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Treading Water

I can tell I've been floundering.  I feel flat, like a pancake on the sidewalk.  And I feel all the heavy traffic rolling on top of me.  I feel like I can barely lift my arm to take action on anything.

We are waiting right now (imagine that!) for my period to start.  I am on day 33 and I'm usually a 24-26 day cycle.  I'm assuming it is my body adjusting to all of the hormones I have been on continuously since last summer starting with the birth control pills and most recently all of the drugs to prepare for my embryo transfer.  But part of me is wondering if something else is going on.

I had a mammogram last Friday.  I ran home and took a pregnancy test just in case before I left for the appointment.  I didn't expect a BFP in the least... just needed the reassurance that if by some ironic twist of fate we were pregnant that I didn't accidentally harm the baby by getting an x-ray.  DH asked me last night again if I thought we were pregnant and I said absolutely not. 

I actually think I just ovulated last week.  I had tons of eggwhite CM last week and so I think my body just had a late ovulation.  So hopefully AF will arrive in the next 2 weeks.

But it did mean I had to cancel our March 6 FET since I needed my cycle to start again by Feb. 1 in order for that to work. 

Which means we are delaying into a late March transfer perhaps.  My first thought was, "a christmas baby!"  We already have 2 of us in my family celebrating birthdays that crazy week or so, my sister on Dec. 21 and me on Jan. 3.  There are definite pros and cons to a birthday lumped together with Christmas.  Since I have the choice, do I want to do that to my child?

But the more realistic part of me is saying... 'I'm getting older, DH is getting older, let's get this bun in the oven as fast as possible... who cares when it is born?'  The other, more cynical side of me is saying, 'it probably won't work anyway.'  Hard to be hopeful on many days.  It has never worked before, why work now?

So... usually in the land of IF we don't want AF to start.  But in my crazy, upside down world however, today we do!