Treading Water

I can tell I've been floundering.  I feel flat, like a pancake on the sidewalk.  And I feel all the heavy traffic rolling on top of me.  I feel like I can barely lift my arm to take action on anything.

We are waiting right now (imagine that!) for my period to start.  I am on day 33 and I'm usually a 24-26 day cycle.  I'm assuming it is my body adjusting to all of the hormones I have been on continuously since last summer starting with the birth control pills and most recently all of the drugs to prepare for my embryo transfer.  But part of me is wondering if something else is going on.

I had a mammogram last Friday.  I ran home and took a pregnancy test just in case before I left for the appointment.  I didn't expect a BFP in the least... just needed the reassurance that if by some ironic twist of fate we were pregnant that I didn't accidentally harm the baby by getting an x-ray.  DH asked me last night again if I thought we were pregnant and I said absolutely not. 

I actually think I just ovulated last week.  I had tons of eggwhite CM last week and so I think my body just had a late ovulation.  So hopefully AF will arrive in the next 2 weeks.

But it did mean I had to cancel our March 6 FET since I needed my cycle to start again by Feb. 1 in order for that to work. 

Which means we are delaying into a late March transfer perhaps.  My first thought was, "a christmas baby!"  We already have 2 of us in my family celebrating birthdays that crazy week or so, my sister on Dec. 21 and me on Jan. 3.  There are definite pros and cons to a birthday lumped together with Christmas.  Since I have the choice, do I want to do that to my child?

But the more realistic part of me is saying... 'I'm getting older, DH is getting older, let's get this bun in the oven as fast as possible... who cares when it is born?'  The other, more cynical side of me is saying, 'it probably won't work anyway.'  Hard to be hopeful on many days.  It has never worked before, why work now?

So... usually in the land of IF we don't want AF to start.  But in my crazy, upside down world however, today we do!