The Hesitation

Today a friend of mine invited me to join her sister's newly formed book club.  I have never been in a book club and have often thought it might be a great experience since I love to read, AND one of my goals for 2014 is to try to read a book a month, so perfect!  Tell me more!  L said that her sister and friends who are forming the club are all moms of preschoolers and she would love me to join them since I live in the area close to her sister, and I could be her buddy, as L is neither married, nor has children of her own. 

As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not?  I began weighing the pros and cons.  You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time.  But I can make the time for being more social.  I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.

No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not?  Do I want to hear about parenting issues?  Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing?  Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?

And then I wondered... how would they react to me?  Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc. 

I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed.  But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts?  That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in?  I wonder if this is a new reality for me?  The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is.  Where do I fit in?  How long will I perceive this difference?  Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?

But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join.  I was thinking of a few other reasons.

 1)  I need friends.  Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away.  My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago.   At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture.  Friendships take time. 

2)  If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them.  My parents live hundreds of miles away.  My sister lives an hour north.  And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.

3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children. 

4)  It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.

5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head.  I don't burden her with my infertility madness.  She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.  

6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!

So there you go.  I will keep you updated on this development.

Goal: March 1

Well, I finally talked to my nurse again and she said that a March 1 goal for my FET is do-able!  I have been procrastinating like crazy but finally checked in.  I will still have my phone consult with my doctor February 12 but at least I can try to get the ball rolling in the meantime.  I like having a goal and a to-do list.  I do better with this.  I can't stand blowing in the breeze because nothing will ever come of it.  I'm on day 19 and I just have to let her know when cycle day 1 is again, so that is exciting because it should be next week! 

Other good news, a lady from my support group emailed me to check in on me.  I really like her a lot and it really touched me that she was thoughtful enough to reach out and see how I was doing.  It was such an uplifting gesture and so simple, and yet it has made me continue to smile all day long.  It made me remember, who in my life do I need to reach out to as well? 

Procrastination

So it has been two weeks since my negative beta test.  I've been meaning to email my nurse and find out about starting our FET cycle soon.  I haven't done it yet.  I keep writing it on my to-do list and just haven't.  I know I am procrastinating and I am trying to figure out why.   I know I want to ask about doing an endometrial biopsy which one of the women in my support group recommends.  After she had one done she got pregnant.  Apparently they scrape a bit off the inside of your uterus but it releases hormones that could help prepare for pregnancy.  Since I have never, ever been pregnant, I am about willing to try anything.  Just don't know if my doctor will agree.  Also, I am worried about a uterine fibroid that I have.  I know it got bigger between the summer when I did my mock cycle and this winter when I did my egg donor cycle.  Doctor again wasn't concerned but I tend to worry about things... I wonder if the medications will make it even bigger than before.  I have always thought that my fertility clinic is looking out for me, but lately I get this nagging feeling that maybe they aren't as much as I'd like them to be.  At what point should I return to my ob-gyn and ask what she thinks?  Also, I hate being the patient that acts like they know more than the doctor... "I read on the internet that...."

On another note, I still need to get this molar tooth replacement done and I am worried about getting it done during a pregnancy because of the medications.  I know it is safe, but the amount of drugs that I want during any procedure to numb the pain, I would assume would not be safe for my baby.

Part of me is procrastinating because I like knowing that I have the possibility of still having 2 healthy babies from our 2 frosties.  Once we do the frozen embryo transfer I'm afraid I will lose one or both of them.   I like knowing I have a family out there right now, even if they are on ice. 

Year 42

Happy Birthday to me!

Today I am trying to focus on what I do have and not on what I don't have.  I am grateful for the gift of time... today we woke up to a snow day from school, so my birthday began perfectly with a chance to snuggle in and sleep a little longer and wake up to a beautiful snow-vista. 

I am grateful for my leisurely cup of coffee.  After two months of trying to get off of coffee in preparation for the embryo transfer... it took me less than 24 hours to enjoy my first cup after the news of our negative pregnancy test on Monday.  This morning I had a chance to really savor it.

I am thankful for the phone call this morning from a dear friend who also struggles with IF and who called to tell me that the flowers that were supposed to be delivered to me at school today will probably be sent to me Monday instead.

I am thankful for the phone call from my Dad this morning.  There is nothing better than the sound of his voice.  I am reminded by the recent death of a friend's father the day before Christmas and how she never will hear the sound of her father telling her happy birthday again.  I am so lucky.

I am thankful for the pajamas I received in the mail from my aunt yesterday from Victoria's Secret.  Who still receives pajamas from her aunt for her 42nd birthday?  I do.  And what I love even more is that they are size small and they still fit even after all of this progesterone bloat that is still attached to me.

I am thankful for the best husband, my spirit's mate, the love of my life who sent me flowers today, who made reservations for dinner tonight and who surprised me with diamond stud earrings this morning.  I was floored, especially when we could probably better use the money for debt and infertility treatments, but I am overjoyed.  I don't want to ever take them off. 

I graded this morning and now I am going to try to spend the afternoon working on some hobbies I enjoy, to make it a perfect day.  Thank you everyone for your love.  I am truly blessed.

Back to Work

Today was good because I went back to work and began the routines that I so desperately need, otherwise I feel like I am floundering right now.  It was nice to have the weekend and the past few days to grieve this cycle, say goodbye to the beautiful blastocyst that our doctor was so proud of.  Yet I just need motion again.  To feel like I am moving forward, wherever that is.

My friend came into my classroom today.  She knew about our ivf (but not using donor egg) and gave me the "well?" look.  I shook my head no, "this one didn't work," I said. We were looking forward to possibly being pregnant together, as she is now 12 weeks along.  Oh well.  We still have our 2 frosties, our little specks of hope.  I'm trying not to think about what happens next if they don't work out either.

I just said, "there's a plan for us, we just don't know what it is yet."  She nodded in agreement.  Her pregnancy was easily achieved, but she's had other losses in her life, like a divorce and the loss of her mother.  I always try to find a balance in people's lives... maybe pregnancy was easily achieved for them because they already went through crap for something else before.  Maybe this is my crap to wade through because I have had so many blessings up until now.  I don't know if the universe works that way or not. 

We got our bill today for Frosties' cryopreservation.  Anything, anything for you my little ones.

But sometimes I wonder if our plan is to spend all this money elsewhere... like a nice vacation in the Virgin Islands.