Friday, February 14, 2014

Infertility Breaks my Heart

This has been building inside me all week and I can't hold back any longer.  This feeling of what I am missing out on.  The experiences I don't get to have.  It is all so unfair.  I am so jealous...

I am so jealous of my cousin posting online that her daughter will be the big sister to a new little brother.

I am so jealous of families getting to watch the Olympics together and making memories together.

I am so jealous of all of the parents walking their kids down the street past my house towards the snow-hill on yet another snow day this winter.  They will probably go back home and snuggle together under blankets and sip their hot chocolate together.

I am so jealous of the moms who get to kiss and cuddle their children and wish them a happy valentine's day this morning with candy hearts and heart shaped pancakes. 

I am probably romanticizing this whole parenting thing a bit. 

But these tears, these are what I have.  These eggs, old and shriveled, this is what I have.   These delays in my infertility treatments, this is what I have.   This box full of unused medications leftover from so many procedures, this is what I have. 

The love of an amazing husband and family, this is what I have.  I give my love to my DH every day and yet, together we have so much more love to give. 

I have one half of my broken heart.  Who will bring me the other half?  Will I ever get it back?

This grief, this is mine.

10 comments:

  1. Hi there, new follower from LFCA. I can absolutely relate to your feelings here. I felt that way for years! Hubby and I suffered from infertility for quite a few years (almost 10) before finally having my daughter via a donor egg. I am currently pregnant again using another donor egg. Like you, I am in my 40's and I have to say that egg donor's are amazing women. I wish you the best of luck with your journey to parenthood. I'll be reading to see how it all goes.

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    1. Hi there! Thank you so much for sharing your story which inspires me to keep going. Congratulations!!! I agree, I am so thankful for this opportunity and to the women who donate!

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  2. HUGS to you! The broken heart will remain and you'll learn to live with it, but the pain won't stay as acute...Indeed the grief is yours and yours alone to go through, but like so many others before me, there is healing. :-) GOOD LUCK with the donor egg! I wish you the best...

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    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement! We remain hopeful!

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  3. I remember walking my dog in the park, always walking past the aquarium, busloads of kids spilling out onto the sidewalk. No matter what time I left home, I always managed to end up walking past this familiar scene. After my last IVF, the BFN, I thought my heart would break in two... literally. I couldn't even walk my dog without being confronted with what I did not have yet again. You will learn to live with your heart,as it is, and it will get better. One day.

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    1. Absolutely! Some days are so much harder than others, when it just consumes you. One day! Good luck to you too!

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  4. Oh, I know this feeling. Seeing everyone else have what you want. The envy and the grief, sometimes it's overwhelming. I wish I had a cure for your broken heart. I wish I had a cure for mine.

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    1. I know, me too. Having the support of others who know what we are going through is not a cure but is extremely helpful! Thank you for stopping by.

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  5. This is beautifully written. I wish I had words, but all I can say is, whatever happens, it does get better. Maybe not now, not tomorrow, not even this year. But it does get better.

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  6. Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by. Your encouragement means so much!

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