So much of dealing with infertility is about waiting. We are always waiting for the next thing to do. Right now I am playing phone tag with my ob-gyn about possibly getting this uterine fibroid removed. Their office closes at 4 and I am pretty busy at work during the day and when I am not, it is very difficult to find a private enough space in which to make a phone call which would involve me saying the following out loud: pelvic scan, uterine fibroid, frozen embryo transfer... So I usually have to wait until I get into my car to make these calls before I commute home. At any rate... waiting.
So what do we do in the meantime? We live our lives. I try to think about what I enjoy about my life right now, in case hopefully we are in a pre-parenting stage, like sleeping in, going out on weekends without getting a babysitter, enjoying some wine. You know, the good things about being a family of two.
What else though? As a hobby, I enjoy scrap-booking but in recent years have lamented not having my children's photos with which to make pages. So much of this hobby is devoted to children!!! There just aren't that many photos of DH and I other than holidays and it usually feels kind of boring to scrapbook just us anyway.
So I came up with my plan B. I have started working on an album of my husband's baby days and childhood. It is my first digital album which is also pretty exciting to me. I have a handful of photos and slides of him that I knew I wanted to organize and digitally preserve, so now I have started creating these cute baby pages, birthday pages, bathtub and Christmas pages, and so many more. They really makes me smile. It is a little weird not knowing things to write or journal about next to the photos that a mother would usually jot down (DH's mother is deceased and I never got to meet her). I've already had DH go through and share memories that I can use. But mostly I just journal from my own point of view and tell him how cute he looks, how he still has the same lips, etc.
As I work on the album, I dream about our future children and wonder what they will look like at the same time. Using an egg donor, I feel at a loss as far as what she will contribute to our child's physical features ( I know she looks a little like me as a kid, but who really knows?). But when I scan my husband's face as a baby, I love knowing my children should at least resemble him to some extent. And so I look for them there in his face. Working with these photos has been a balm to my spirit. I get to create baby-pages with cute artwork that I never thought I would get to use. But I also get to imagine our children, imagine being a mother, and what that would feel like. For the most part, this process has been comforting. There are times when I certainly don't feel like it and have let weeks and even a few months go by without working on it. But when I am ready again, I dive into the creative process.
After this one is complete, I think the next step for me might be to work on a baby album of me. And boy do I think that that one would be an even more powerful experience. My mother made me a wonderful baby album, so the purpose of this one would be a little different... It would be more about the process of healing the grief of saying goodbye to my own little girl inside. Saying goodbye to those genes that don't get passed along. Sigh! I don't think I'll be ready for that one for awhile.
Anyway, I just wonder, what do others in our infertile community do to help soothe the mommy inside of them?
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Infertility Breaks my Heart
This has been building inside me all week and I can't hold back any longer. This feeling of what I am missing out on. The experiences I don't get to have. It is all so unfair. I am so jealous...
I am so jealous of my cousin posting online that her daughter will be the big sister to a new little brother.
I am so jealous of families getting to watch the Olympics together and making memories together.
I am so jealous of all of the parents walking their kids down the street past my house towards the snow-hill on yet another snow day this winter. They will probably go back home and snuggle together under blankets and sip their hot chocolate together.
I am so jealous of the moms who get to kiss and cuddle their children and wish them a happy valentine's day this morning with candy hearts and heart shaped pancakes.
I am probably romanticizing this whole parenting thing a bit.
But these tears, these are what I have. These eggs, old and shriveled, this is what I have. These delays in my infertility treatments, this is what I have. This box full of unused medications leftover from so many procedures, this is what I have.
The love of an amazing husband and family, this is what I have. I give my love to my DH every day and yet, together we have so much more love to give.
I have one half of my broken heart. Who will bring me the other half? Will I ever get it back?
This grief, this is mine.
I am so jealous of my cousin posting online that her daughter will be the big sister to a new little brother.
I am so jealous of families getting to watch the Olympics together and making memories together.
I am so jealous of all of the parents walking their kids down the street past my house towards the snow-hill on yet another snow day this winter. They will probably go back home and snuggle together under blankets and sip their hot chocolate together.
I am so jealous of the moms who get to kiss and cuddle their children and wish them a happy valentine's day this morning with candy hearts and heart shaped pancakes.
I am probably romanticizing this whole parenting thing a bit.
But these tears, these are what I have. These eggs, old and shriveled, this is what I have. These delays in my infertility treatments, this is what I have. This box full of unused medications leftover from so many procedures, this is what I have.
The love of an amazing husband and family, this is what I have. I give my love to my DH every day and yet, together we have so much more love to give.
I have one half of my broken heart. Who will bring me the other half? Will I ever get it back?
This grief, this is mine.
Friday, January 24, 2014
The Hesitation
Today a friend of mine invited me to join her sister's newly formed book club. I have never been in a book club and have often thought it might be a great experience since I love to read, AND one of my goals for 2014 is to try to read a book a month, so perfect! Tell me more! L said that her sister and friends who are forming the club are all moms of preschoolers and she would love me to join them since I live in the area close to her sister, and I could be her buddy, as L is neither married, nor has children of her own.
As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not? I began weighing the pros and cons. You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time. But I can make the time for being more social. I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.
No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not? Do I want to hear about parenting issues? Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing? Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?
And then I wondered... how would they react to me? Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc.
I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed. But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts? That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in? I wonder if this is a new reality for me? The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is. Where do I fit in? How long will I perceive this difference? Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?
But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join. I was thinking of a few other reasons.
1) I need friends. Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away. My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago. At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture. Friendships take time.
2) If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them. My parents live hundreds of miles away. My sister lives an hour north. And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.
3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children.
4) It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.
5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head. I don't burden her with my infertility madness. She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.
6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!
So there you go. I will keep you updated on this development.
As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not? I began weighing the pros and cons. You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time. But I can make the time for being more social. I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.
No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not? Do I want to hear about parenting issues? Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing? Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?
And then I wondered... how would they react to me? Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc.
I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed. But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts? That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in? I wonder if this is a new reality for me? The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is. Where do I fit in? How long will I perceive this difference? Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?
But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join. I was thinking of a few other reasons.
1) I need friends. Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away. My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago. At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture. Friendships take time.
2) If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them. My parents live hundreds of miles away. My sister lives an hour north. And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.
3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children.
4) It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.
5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head. I don't burden her with my infertility madness. She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.
6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!
So there you go. I will keep you updated on this development.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Back to Work
Today was good because I went back to work and began the routines that I so desperately need, otherwise I feel like I am floundering right now. It was nice to have the weekend and the past few days to grieve this cycle, say goodbye to the beautiful blastocyst that our doctor was so proud of. Yet I just need motion again. To feel like I am moving forward, wherever that is.
My friend came into my classroom today. She knew about our ivf (but not using donor egg) and gave me the "well?" look. I shook my head no, "this one didn't work," I said. We were looking forward to possibly being pregnant together, as she is now 12 weeks along. Oh well. We still have our 2 frosties, our little specks of hope. I'm trying not to think about what happens next if they don't work out either.
I just said, "there's a plan for us, we just don't know what it is yet." She nodded in agreement. Her pregnancy was easily achieved, but she's had other losses in her life, like a divorce and the loss of her mother. I always try to find a balance in people's lives... maybe pregnancy was easily achieved for them because they already went through crap for something else before. Maybe this is my crap to wade through because I have had so many blessings up until now. I don't know if the universe works that way or not.
We got our bill today for Frosties' cryopreservation. Anything, anything for you my little ones.
But sometimes I wonder if our plan is to spend all this money elsewhere... like a nice vacation in the Virgin Islands.
My friend came into my classroom today. She knew about our ivf (but not using donor egg) and gave me the "well?" look. I shook my head no, "this one didn't work," I said. We were looking forward to possibly being pregnant together, as she is now 12 weeks along. Oh well. We still have our 2 frosties, our little specks of hope. I'm trying not to think about what happens next if they don't work out either.
I just said, "there's a plan for us, we just don't know what it is yet." She nodded in agreement. Her pregnancy was easily achieved, but she's had other losses in her life, like a divorce and the loss of her mother. I always try to find a balance in people's lives... maybe pregnancy was easily achieved for them because they already went through crap for something else before. Maybe this is my crap to wade through because I have had so many blessings up until now. I don't know if the universe works that way or not.
We got our bill today for Frosties' cryopreservation. Anything, anything for you my little ones.
But sometimes I wonder if our plan is to spend all this money elsewhere... like a nice vacation in the Virgin Islands.
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Wait
I went in for my beta this morning. Now I am home waiting for the call.
DH was sweet this morning as he left for work. Course his tenderness started me crying all over again. He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other." Very sweet. I love him so much.
Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law. I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children. Sure enough it did. I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there. I was barely holding it together.
My SIL called me last night to apologize. She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me. It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call. I appreciated it. Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too.
DH was sweet this morning as he left for work. Course his tenderness started me crying all over again. He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other." Very sweet. I love him so much.
Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law. I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children. Sure enough it did. I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there. I was barely holding it together.
My SIL called me last night to apologize. She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me. It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call. I appreciated it. Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
The Dance of the Doubts
Christmas was wonderful with my family. DH and I traveled to be with them and enjoyed the company of each-other all together. We are spread out all over the country so it is always a treat to be together. I managed to hide our daily injections of PIO and no one made a big deal about my decline of wine at dinner. No one seemed to notice that I was actually drinking decaf tea in the morning instead of the usual coffee. The festivities were a nice distraction in the midst of the two-week wait.
Until we got home yesterday. At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate. Our beta is on Monday. Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer. Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies. My turn.
Except it wasn't a celebration. DH said there was no line. Is there supposed to be another line, he asked? What?
I was dumbfounded. Shocked. How could there be no line? We used a donor egg! It is supposed to work this time!
Oh yeah, I know this feeling. I recognize this fear. I feel so stupid for believing in hope again. This lump in my throat has been here before. Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head. I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening. We'll wait and see what the beta says. Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for. Does anything work for me?
Until we got home yesterday. At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate. Our beta is on Monday. Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer. Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies. My turn.
Except it wasn't a celebration. DH said there was no line. Is there supposed to be another line, he asked? What?
I was dumbfounded. Shocked. How could there be no line? We used a donor egg! It is supposed to work this time!
Oh yeah, I know this feeling. I recognize this fear. I feel so stupid for believing in hope again. This lump in my throat has been here before. Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head. I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening. We'll wait and see what the beta says. Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for. Does anything work for me?
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
No Turning Back
Tomorrow is the day when I feel like there is no going back. The gravity of our decision weighs on me now. Even though we have jumped through numerous hoops to reach this point, and all along we could have stopped and said no, and we haven't... and even though I know that this is the right decision for us, everything changes starting tomorrow. My husband's sperm will mix with another woman's egg. Once that happens, it is on. No going back. Period. It's normal to feel just a tad bit emotional about this, right? But is anything normal in this Bizzaro-world of infertility?
This moment reminds me of a card I received once from a good friend upon graduation from high school. I still remember it well. It had a picture of a traveler walking down a road (maybe he was more of a hobo because he had one of those rod polka-dot handkerchiefs on a stick carried on his shoulder like you see in the Tom & Jerry cartoons) Anyway, the Wanderer had reached a fork in the road and there was just one sign. The sign said, "No Going Back!"
It appears my friends, that Robert Frosts' The Road Less Traveled By is my life once more.
"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
One can hope.
This moment reminds me of a card I received once from a good friend upon graduation from high school. I still remember it well. It had a picture of a traveler walking down a road (maybe he was more of a hobo because he had one of those rod polka-dot handkerchiefs on a stick carried on his shoulder like you see in the Tom & Jerry cartoons) Anyway, the Wanderer had reached a fork in the road and there was just one sign. The sign said, "No Going Back!"
It appears my friends, that Robert Frosts' The Road Less Traveled By is my life once more.
"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."
One can hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)