The Wait

I went in for my beta this morning.  Now I am home waiting for the call. 

DH was sweet this morning as he left for work.  Course his tenderness started me crying all over again.  He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other."  Very sweet.  I love him so much.

Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law.  I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children.  Sure enough it did.  I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there.  I was barely holding it together.

My SIL called me last night to apologize.  She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me.  It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call.  I appreciated it.  Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too. 

The Dance of the Doubts

Christmas was wonderful with my family.  DH and I traveled to be with them and enjoyed the company of each-other all together.  We are spread out all over the country so it is always a treat to be together.  I managed to hide our daily injections of PIO and no one made a big deal about my decline of wine at dinner.  No one seemed to notice that I was actually drinking decaf tea in the morning instead of the usual coffee.   The festivities were a nice distraction in the midst of the two-week wait.

Until we got home yesterday.  At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate.  Our beta is on Monday.  Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer.  Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies.  My turn.

Except it wasn't a celebration.  DH said there was no line.  Is there supposed to be another line, he asked?  What?

I was dumbfounded.  Shocked.  How could there be no line?  We used a donor egg!  It is supposed to work this time!

Oh yeah, I know this feeling.  I recognize this fear.  I feel so stupid for believing in hope again.  This lump in my throat has been here before.  Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head.   I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening.  We'll wait and see what the beta says.  Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for.  Does anything work for me?

Embryo Transfer

Today we went in for our embryo transfer.  Our hopes are high that this time it will work but I must say that I was much less emotional this time.  The procedure was uncomfortable and my doctor got me ready before the embryologist was ready so we were all just hanging out (especially my ladybits) with a catheter in me, and an ultrasound wand pushing on my full-bladdered abdomen while the doctor opened the door to his right and yelled into the lab that we were ready.  I just gripped DH's hand and stared at the ceiling.  Hello.

We put in one 5 day blast, the other six we're waiting on news of their development and then freeze.  Should know in a few days if we have any cryopreserved.  We started with 12 eggs and they inseminated 9.  7 fertilized and that is what has been growing over the weekend.  The superstar blast that we put in today looked the best.  Dr. didn't give me a grade but said it looked very good.

DH had a new job to get to after he took me home.  So I'm on bed-rest all day while he is at work.  I can't believe his first day ended up being today.  Otherwise he would have taken off and waited on me.  So I packed a lunch just like I was at work and kept it next to the bed.  I've been snacking all day.  Hopefully he gets home soon as I'm getting really hungry and am trying to avoid going downstairs to the kitchen. 

The 2ww is on.  Beta is Dec. 30.  At least the holidays and traveling will keep me busy.