This has been building inside me all week and I can't hold back any longer. This feeling of what I am missing out on. The experiences I don't get to have. It is all so unfair. I am so jealous...
I am so jealous of my cousin posting online that her daughter will be the big sister to a new little brother.
I am so jealous of families getting to watch the Olympics together and making memories together.
I am so jealous of all of the parents walking their kids down the street past my house towards the snow-hill on yet another snow day this winter. They will probably go back home and snuggle together under blankets and sip their hot chocolate together.
I am so jealous of the moms who get to kiss and cuddle their children and wish them a happy valentine's day this morning with candy hearts and heart shaped pancakes.
I am probably romanticizing this whole parenting thing a bit.
But these tears, these are what I have. These eggs, old and shriveled, this is what I have. These delays in my infertility treatments, this is what I have. This box full of unused medications leftover from so many procedures, this is what I have.
The love of an amazing husband and family, this is what I have. I give my love to my DH every day and yet, together we have so much more love to give.
I have one half of my broken heart. Who will bring me the other half? Will I ever get it back?
This grief, this is mine.
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Friday, February 14, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
The Wait
I went in for my beta this morning. Now I am home waiting for the call.
DH was sweet this morning as he left for work. Course his tenderness started me crying all over again. He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other." Very sweet. I love him so much.
Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law. I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children. Sure enough it did. I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there. I was barely holding it together.
My SIL called me last night to apologize. She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me. It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call. I appreciated it. Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too.
DH was sweet this morning as he left for work. Course his tenderness started me crying all over again. He told me to do a good job today... but then he added, "we're going to be okay no matter, because we have each-other." Very sweet. I love him so much.
Yesterday I went to a luncheon hosted by my sister-in -law for her future daughter-in-law. I was kind of dreading it because I know what happens when a group of ladies gets together... the talk eventually turns to babies and raising children. Sure enough it did. I could feel myself withering into my chair just dying to get out of there. I was barely holding it together.
My SIL called me last night to apologize. She regretted that the conversation had dwelled so long on baby talk and that it was like a runaway train that she didn't know how to stop. She could tell it affected me. It was really nice of her to be sensitive to it and to call. I appreciated it. Sometimes when we're dwelling in our own pain we don't realize that others do see it too.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
The Dance of the Doubts
Christmas was wonderful with my family. DH and I traveled to be with them and enjoyed the company of each-other all together. We are spread out all over the country so it is always a treat to be together. I managed to hide our daily injections of PIO and no one made a big deal about my decline of wine at dinner. No one seemed to notice that I was actually drinking decaf tea in the morning instead of the usual coffee. The festivities were a nice distraction in the midst of the two-week wait.
Until we got home yesterday. At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate. Our beta is on Monday. Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer. Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies. My turn.
Except it wasn't a celebration. DH said there was no line. Is there supposed to be another line, he asked? What?
I was dumbfounded. Shocked. How could there be no line? We used a donor egg! It is supposed to work this time!
Oh yeah, I know this feeling. I recognize this fear. I feel so stupid for believing in hope again. This lump in my throat has been here before. Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head. I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening. We'll wait and see what the beta says. Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for. Does anything work for me?
Until we got home yesterday. At 11dp5dt I was more than ready to finally take a pregnancy test and celebrate. Our beta is on Monday. Our clinic makes you wait a full 14 days no matter if it is a 3 or 5 day transfer. Most of the women on one of my boards who had transfers the same week I did are already announcing their pregnancies. My turn.
Except it wasn't a celebration. DH said there was no line. Is there supposed to be another line, he asked? What?
I was dumbfounded. Shocked. How could there be no line? We used a donor egg! It is supposed to work this time!
Oh yeah, I know this feeling. I recognize this fear. I feel so stupid for believing in hope again. This lump in my throat has been here before. Visions of being a childless couple for the decades to come danced in my head. I put on a brave face for DH for the rest of the evening. We'll wait and see what the beta says. Maybe I'm one of those people that HPT's don't really work for. Does anything work for me?
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Weeding out the Grief
Last Wednesday when I heard from my nurse that our donor's egg retrieval had gone well and that 9 of her eggs had been inseminated by DH's sperm, I felt relief. And then I just felt so sad. We had passed the first major hurdle which was having a good set of eggs to start with, but the emotion that sat with me that afternoon was the anguish of it not being my eggs that DH's sperm inseminated. It was hers. And even though I have made peace with using our donor and am really excited about the possibility that I can still carry our own baby, I felt a tinge of jealousy. I felt like that day, that one day, I wasn't part of the picture. Oh sure, later that afternoon I was heading to accupuncture to get my uterus and mind ready for an embryo, and that night I would be getting my PIO shot, I still felt isolated from the story at that moment. Separate from the process. Sad that I wasn't having my eggs retrieved (even though the procedure and recovery is not exactly a trip to the amusement park). Sad that the union of egg and sperm wasn't being mirrored in the union that our wedding photos reflected back to me.
I cried all the way to accupuncture. I told her and she asked, "do you want to talk about it or just get up on the table?" I lay on the table and she gently suggested that my goal today should be acknowledging the sadness but also helping the grief to move. She said she was completely comfortable with me crying and that this was a safe place to let it go. So I did.
It's funny how grief ebbs and flows. I believe that owning my grief that afternoon was important in healing and preparing for the presence and welcoming of this child. I had to help it move along and create space for new growth. Kind of reminds me of weeding my flower beds. Maybe if I keep at it the weeds won't show up as often and then I can focus on and appreciate the beautiful garden instead.
I cried all the way to accupuncture. I told her and she asked, "do you want to talk about it or just get up on the table?" I lay on the table and she gently suggested that my goal today should be acknowledging the sadness but also helping the grief to move. She said she was completely comfortable with me crying and that this was a safe place to let it go. So I did.
It's funny how grief ebbs and flows. I believe that owning my grief that afternoon was important in healing and preparing for the presence and welcoming of this child. I had to help it move along and create space for new growth. Kind of reminds me of weeding my flower beds. Maybe if I keep at it the weeds won't show up as often and then I can focus on and appreciate the beautiful garden instead.
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