Weeding out the Grief

Last Wednesday when I heard from my nurse that our donor's egg retrieval had gone well and that 9 of her eggs had been inseminated by DH's sperm, I felt relief.   And then I just felt so sad.  We had passed the first major hurdle which was having a good set of eggs to start with, but the emotion that sat with me that afternoon was the anguish of it not being my eggs that DH's sperm inseminated.  It was hers.  And even though I have made peace with using our donor and am really excited about the possibility that I can still carry our own baby, I felt a tinge of jealousy.  I felt like that day, that one day, I wasn't part of the picture.  Oh sure, later that  afternoon I was heading to accupuncture to get my uterus and mind ready for an embryo, and that night I would be getting my PIO shot, I still felt isolated from the story at that moment.  Separate from the process.  Sad that I wasn't having my eggs retrieved (even though the procedure and recovery is not exactly a trip to the amusement park).  Sad that the union of egg and sperm wasn't being mirrored in the union that our wedding photos reflected back to me. 

I cried all the way to accupuncture.  I told her and she asked, "do you want to talk about it or just get up on the table?"  I lay on the table and she gently suggested that my goal today should be acknowledging the sadness but also helping the grief to move.  She said she was completely comfortable with me crying and that this was a safe place to let it go.  So I did. 

It's funny how grief ebbs and flows.  I believe that owning my grief that afternoon was important in healing and preparing for the presence and welcoming of this child. I had to help it move along and create space for new growth.  Kind of reminds me of weeding my flower beds. Maybe if I keep at it the weeds won't show up as often and then I can focus on and appreciate the beautiful garden instead.

No Turning Back

Tomorrow is the day when I feel like there is no going back.  The gravity of our decision weighs on me now.  Even though we have jumped through numerous hoops to reach this point, and all along we could have stopped and said no, and we haven't... and even though I know that this is the right decision for us, everything changes starting tomorrow.  My husband's sperm will mix with another woman's egg.  Once that happens, it is on.  No going back.  Period.  It's normal to feel just a tad bit emotional about this, right?  But is anything normal in this Bizzaro-world of infertility?

This moment reminds me of a card I received once from a good friend upon graduation from high school.  I still remember it well.  It had a picture of a traveler walking down a road (maybe he was more of a hobo because he had one of those rod polka-dot handkerchiefs on a stick carried on his shoulder like you see in the Tom & Jerry cartoons)  Anyway, the Wanderer had reached a fork in the road and there was just one sign.  The sign said, "No Going Back!"

It appears my friends, that Robert Frosts' The Road Less Traveled By is my life once more.

"I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

One can hope.

It is Happening...

I am beginning this blog a few months behind the actual start of my donor egg journey, but nevertheless, I can always go back and fill you in on how I got to this point.  The real excitement has begun as my donor is getting close to her egg retrieval.  My nurse says it will be Wednesday and if all goes well a five day transfer for us will be next Monday, the 16th.  I am overjoyed that she has about 25 follicles since we are in a shared donor program with another recipient.  I am nervous because nothing has ever worked before, so why now?  We know we also have male factor infertility issues so when it all comes down to it, a new shiny egg from a donor may not be enough.  We may learn that even with ICSI my DH's sperm could be even more of an issue than we thought.  However, despite these concerns, I am hopeful.  It is the season of giving and I am so very grateful that this anonymous young woman is sharing this part of herself with complete strangers to help us conceive a child. Bless you my dear!