Guess what? We are still on hold, waiting for someone to do something so that we can proceed from A to B or in our case we are on about S to T! I went in for my pelvic scan last week finally and my uterine fibroid is a little over 10 centimeters. Now I am waiting on my ob-gyn to call me back. I tried to schedule an appt. but the appointment lady would only take a message since they had probably not received the scans yet (I'm calling BS, I know they were probably emailed the very next day!). Anyway, so after I hear from her we can find out if she wants to have it removed or what?
In the meantime, I decided to take care of some dental work I had postponed in case I had gotten pregnant. I had had a tooth pulled last November right before my first egg donor cycle (Sucks getting old, I'm telling you! Talking about having babies and teeth pulled in the same sentence!) So I went in yesterday to finally get the implant put in so that my dentist later can put a new cap on it. Not fun, but I like checking off things on my list.
So that is where we are at. I go to my support group tomorrow night, so it will be nice to see how everyone else is progressing since my own agenda has been put on hold. Hopefully I will hear and learn something soon.
Showing posts with label Aging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aging. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Treading Water
I can tell I've been floundering. I feel flat, like a pancake on the sidewalk. And I feel all the heavy traffic rolling on top of me. I feel like I can barely lift my arm to take action on anything.
We are waiting right now (imagine that!) for my period to start. I am on day 33 and I'm usually a 24-26 day cycle. I'm assuming it is my body adjusting to all of the hormones I have been on continuously since last summer starting with the birth control pills and most recently all of the drugs to prepare for my embryo transfer. But part of me is wondering if something else is going on.
I had a mammogram last Friday. I ran home and took a pregnancy test just in case before I left for the appointment. I didn't expect a BFP in the least... just needed the reassurance that if by some ironic twist of fate we were pregnant that I didn't accidentally harm the baby by getting an x-ray. DH asked me last night again if I thought we were pregnant and I said absolutely not.
I actually think I just ovulated last week. I had tons of eggwhite CM last week and so I think my body just had a late ovulation. So hopefully AF will arrive in the next 2 weeks.
But it did mean I had to cancel our March 6 FET since I needed my cycle to start again by Feb. 1 in order for that to work.
Which means we are delaying into a late March transfer perhaps. My first thought was, "a christmas baby!" We already have 2 of us in my family celebrating birthdays that crazy week or so, my sister on Dec. 21 and me on Jan. 3. There are definite pros and cons to a birthday lumped together with Christmas. Since I have the choice, do I want to do that to my child?
But the more realistic part of me is saying... 'I'm getting older, DH is getting older, let's get this bun in the oven as fast as possible... who cares when it is born?' The other, more cynical side of me is saying, 'it probably won't work anyway.' Hard to be hopeful on many days. It has never worked before, why work now?
So... usually in the land of IF we don't want AF to start. But in my crazy, upside down world however, today we do!
We are waiting right now (imagine that!) for my period to start. I am on day 33 and I'm usually a 24-26 day cycle. I'm assuming it is my body adjusting to all of the hormones I have been on continuously since last summer starting with the birth control pills and most recently all of the drugs to prepare for my embryo transfer. But part of me is wondering if something else is going on.
I had a mammogram last Friday. I ran home and took a pregnancy test just in case before I left for the appointment. I didn't expect a BFP in the least... just needed the reassurance that if by some ironic twist of fate we were pregnant that I didn't accidentally harm the baby by getting an x-ray. DH asked me last night again if I thought we were pregnant and I said absolutely not.
I actually think I just ovulated last week. I had tons of eggwhite CM last week and so I think my body just had a late ovulation. So hopefully AF will arrive in the next 2 weeks.
But it did mean I had to cancel our March 6 FET since I needed my cycle to start again by Feb. 1 in order for that to work.
Which means we are delaying into a late March transfer perhaps. My first thought was, "a christmas baby!" We already have 2 of us in my family celebrating birthdays that crazy week or so, my sister on Dec. 21 and me on Jan. 3. There are definite pros and cons to a birthday lumped together with Christmas. Since I have the choice, do I want to do that to my child?
But the more realistic part of me is saying... 'I'm getting older, DH is getting older, let's get this bun in the oven as fast as possible... who cares when it is born?' The other, more cynical side of me is saying, 'it probably won't work anyway.' Hard to be hopeful on many days. It has never worked before, why work now?
So... usually in the land of IF we don't want AF to start. But in my crazy, upside down world however, today we do!
Friday, January 24, 2014
The Hesitation
Today a friend of mine invited me to join her sister's newly formed book club. I have never been in a book club and have often thought it might be a great experience since I love to read, AND one of my goals for 2014 is to try to read a book a month, so perfect! Tell me more! L said that her sister and friends who are forming the club are all moms of preschoolers and she would love me to join them since I live in the area close to her sister, and I could be her buddy, as L is neither married, nor has children of her own.
As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not? I began weighing the pros and cons. You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time. But I can make the time for being more social. I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.
No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not? Do I want to hear about parenting issues? Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing? Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?
And then I wondered... how would they react to me? Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc.
I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed. But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts? That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in? I wonder if this is a new reality for me? The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is. Where do I fit in? How long will I perceive this difference? Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?
But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join. I was thinking of a few other reasons.
1) I need friends. Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away. My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago. At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture. Friendships take time.
2) If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them. My parents live hundreds of miles away. My sister lives an hour north. And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.
3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children.
4) It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.
5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head. I don't burden her with my infertility madness. She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.
6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!
So there you go. I will keep you updated on this development.
As she is explaining this to me, I began wondering if this was a good move for me or not? I began weighing the pros and cons. You'd think I'd be wondering if I had the time. But I can make the time for being more social. I tend to be a homebody and I have to remind myself to get out more often.
No, the main question circling around in my head was, do I want to surround myself with women who are in the very place that I would love to be, but am not? Do I want to hear about parenting issues? Will I even be able to connect with them, outside the book we're discussing? Will I be jealous of them or just find the conversations hurtful that you know will happen when the book discussion slips away?
And then I wondered... how would they react to me? Will I receive an onslaught of questions about being childless, were we trying, have we thought of's....etc.
I only had a few minutes as we talked and I processed. But isn't it strange that these are my thoughts? That I perceive a possible divide and worry about not fitting in? I wonder if this is a new reality for me? The longer I go without becoming a mother, the more I try to do the dance and figure out what my place in society really is. Where do I fit in? How long will I perceive this difference? Will it eventually go away, whether I have children or not?
But I went ahead and said yes I'd like to join. I was thinking of a few other reasons.
1) I need friends. Especially friends who live close by since the only friends I have made on my own (most of our close-by friends are DH's since he grew up in the area) are at work and most of them live about 30 minutes away. My dearest friends still live hundreds of miles away across the country and I moved away from them almost 7 years ago. At my age, I have found it is really hard to break into the circles of women's friendship that have already existed for decades before I ever entered the picture. Friendships take time.
2) If we are successful at getting pregnant anytime soon, again, it would be nice to already know some women who live in the area who are mothers, who could help out if I needed them. My parents live hundreds of miles away. My sister lives an hour north. And DH's sister, though closer is still 20 minutes away.
3) Some of them may have been former iffers who now have children.
4) It will get me out of the house and give DH some alone time which I know he needs but doesn't get as I tend to be home usually when he is home.
5) And of course, time to spend with original friend L who invited me and has no idea about the debate that was raging inside my head. I don't burden her with my infertility madness. She's twelve years younger than me and at her age could even be an egg donor.
6) A chance to read some books that I might not have tried on my own, an intellectual challenge, and dare I say it, have some fun!
So there you go. I will keep you updated on this development.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Year 42
Happy Birthday to me!
Today I am trying to focus on what I do have and not on what I don't have. I am grateful for the gift of time... today we woke up to a snow day from school, so my birthday began perfectly with a chance to snuggle in and sleep a little longer and wake up to a beautiful snow-vista.
I am grateful for my leisurely cup of coffee. After two months of trying to get off of coffee in preparation for the embryo transfer... it took me less than 24 hours to enjoy my first cup after the news of our negative pregnancy test on Monday. This morning I had a chance to really savor it.
I am thankful for the phone call this morning from a dear friend who also struggles with IF and who called to tell me that the flowers that were supposed to be delivered to me at school today will probably be sent to me Monday instead.
I am thankful for the phone call from my Dad this morning. There is nothing better than the sound of his voice. I am reminded by the recent death of a friend's father the day before Christmas and how she never will hear the sound of her father telling her happy birthday again. I am so lucky.
I am thankful for the pajamas I received in the mail from my aunt yesterday from Victoria's Secret. Who still receives pajamas from her aunt for her 42nd birthday? I do. And what I love even more is that they are size small and they still fit even after all of this progesterone bloat that is still attached to me.
I am thankful for the best husband, my spirit's mate, the love of my life who sent me flowers today, who made reservations for dinner tonight and who surprised me with diamond stud earrings this morning. I was floored, especially when we could probably better use the money for debt and infertility treatments, but I am overjoyed. I don't want to ever take them off.
I graded this morning and now I am going to try to spend the afternoon working on some hobbies I enjoy, to make it a perfect day. Thank you everyone for your love. I am truly blessed.
Today I am trying to focus on what I do have and not on what I don't have. I am grateful for the gift of time... today we woke up to a snow day from school, so my birthday began perfectly with a chance to snuggle in and sleep a little longer and wake up to a beautiful snow-vista.
I am grateful for my leisurely cup of coffee. After two months of trying to get off of coffee in preparation for the embryo transfer... it took me less than 24 hours to enjoy my first cup after the news of our negative pregnancy test on Monday. This morning I had a chance to really savor it.
I am thankful for the phone call this morning from a dear friend who also struggles with IF and who called to tell me that the flowers that were supposed to be delivered to me at school today will probably be sent to me Monday instead.
I am thankful for the phone call from my Dad this morning. There is nothing better than the sound of his voice. I am reminded by the recent death of a friend's father the day before Christmas and how she never will hear the sound of her father telling her happy birthday again. I am so lucky.
I am thankful for the pajamas I received in the mail from my aunt yesterday from Victoria's Secret. Who still receives pajamas from her aunt for her 42nd birthday? I do. And what I love even more is that they are size small and they still fit even after all of this progesterone bloat that is still attached to me.
I am thankful for the best husband, my spirit's mate, the love of my life who sent me flowers today, who made reservations for dinner tonight and who surprised me with diamond stud earrings this morning. I was floored, especially when we could probably better use the money for debt and infertility treatments, but I am overjoyed. I don't want to ever take them off.
I graded this morning and now I am going to try to spend the afternoon working on some hobbies I enjoy, to make it a perfect day. Thank you everyone for your love. I am truly blessed.
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